CharmedORama
by kaytee83
Summary: Ever wondered what just a plain old boring day in the Halliwell household is like? Well why don't you take a look? We got movies, drugs, poison, death, and... well, creepy stuff that's best not for your innocent eyes. Turn back! Turn back I tells ya!
1. Busting Guts N More!

  
So this was it; Phoebe was going to die. When they found out, Piper had laughed. Then stopped. Prue, of course, had gone on laughing. As had I. Well, it IS Phoebe, don't forget you guys. I mean, had it been Piper who was going to die, I think we'd all be a large amount sadder. Ooh! Like in the season finale - that bit where Piper dies and Leo has to go down to tell Phoebe and Cole she's dead. Well, Phoebe knew it was Piper that was dead just by looking at his face. So... do you think if he was smiling when he orbed down, she would have thought it was Prue? Let's face it, I think he would be smiling if it was the mentally unstable Prue, but lets not get into that. The point is, Phoebe is going to die. All because...  
  
She ate too much pie. Really, it's true. And the doc said that if she goes on like this, she'll be dead on a stick by the time she's 32. Fair enough. I say she should go on like this, no? After all, I'm sure she's had a pretty good run, wearing all the fluffy pink hats, half an inch long skirts, see through everything, and pink pink pink to think she's had a reasonalbly happy life. Anyway... we are about to join the Halliwells at a very sensitive time, since they just heard that their, ahem, 'beloved' littlest sister is about to snuff it. Oh woe.  
  
  
Prue's laughter finally subsided.  
"Oh well fine!" Phoebe yelled, "if that's how you feel then fine! I'll just go away and slit my wrists if you want me to die even faster!"  
This only caused Prue to laugh harder than ever. She bust a gut, but when life doles out comedy like this, she thought she could survive without the hospital just yet. Even Piper, unlike her usual 'oh isn't that a nice wall - I think I'll stare at it for four hours straight' self was snickering quietly.  
Phoebe pulled out her letter opener and placed it along her wrist purposefully. She knew she wasn't actually going to do it, but NO ONE WAS UPSET AT THE FACT SHE WAS GOING TO DIE and it was MIGHTY PISSING HER OFF!!!! Anyway! She astral projected out of the room.  
"What the **** are you doing you stupid *****?" Piper asked her. She still hadn't managed to shake that swearing thing.  
Phoebe looked up. Then slapped her forehead. "Oh yeah!" she announced, "It's PRUE that can Astral Project - not me!"   
Prue bitch-slapped the idiot. Go Prue! Wow did I just say those two words? Ahhh unclean UNCLEAN! "Phoebe," Prue started, "I have ALWAYS taken you with a grain of salt." Piper rolled her eyes. Here we go AGAIN! Prue continued: "On your birthday, when you asked me to do a strip tease to the theme from mighty mouse, I did it. On that hotel prom night when you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I said okay. And even at my grandmother's funeral, when you told most of my relatives you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide." Prue grabbed Phoebe's ear and pulled her close. "If you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your **** with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious ****ing disappointment."  
"Gyyeah Prue!" Piper bitch-slapped her older sister. "I have always taken that ****ing speech with a grain of salt! Will you quit it for ****'s sake! Mallrats was six - count 'em - six years ago! I'm sure Rene is dead, an embolism popped in her brain or something."  
"Scooby, Scooby Doo, where are you?" Phoebe sang. God she had a bad singing voice. Oh god, I just had an awful thought; imagine Phoebe had once released five albums which mostly flopped but were huge in Japan... but that was Alyssa 'Bootface' Milano, so let's leave the crap to her. What's been going on with Milano at the mo'? I hear she's been doing a great job as a bitch in a straight-to-video sequal animation! Oh the joys...  
"Prue, don't you have a doctor's appointment today?" Piper asked nonchalently. Whatever that means.  
"What?" Prue asked, squinting at Phoebe.  
"Piper's over there" Phoebe pointed at Piper, over on the other side of the room.   
"Right," said Prue, and turned to face the wall. "Piper, are you talking about my eye exam? Cos my eyesight is perfect." Prue walked into the lamppost outside the manor. "How did that get so close? It was really far away before..."  
"Prue, get your stupidhead ass to the doctors. And while your at it, you better sort out that bust gut you got there" Piper said, engrossed in a small crack in the wall.  
Prue simply glared at Phoebe's right leg, muttered something under her breath and left the room, but not before she cracked her nose on the cupboards and twisted her spleen on the table.  
"What is a spleen anyway?" said Phoebe as soon as she was gone. Piper bitch-slapped her. She kept it quiet the fact that she didn't know what it was either.  
  



	2. Nice Fun... Swirling Vortexes???

Prue peeked out the window, but was suddenly blown backwards. By a gust of wind. Actually, it wasn't even that - it was Piper playing tricks with Prue's eating disorder again. Then Piper was blown into the manor too, and this time, it was personal.   
  
"Nothing personal" said the demon. HEY! What did I say about contradicting the author you stupid character???   
  
Suddenly, the demon disappeared in a poof of bad grammer and misspelled words. Another demon quickly appeared. "HA ha ha!" he... laughed (although I think it's obvious he was laughing ...) and by this time Piper and Prue were on their feet. "You're going to die!" the demon spat.  
  
"Ew wipe your mouth" Piper said. The demon looked ashamed and quickly wiped the dribble (ewww) from his face. Using Piper's best table-cloth.  
  
"Better?" he asked.  
  
"Yah" Piper said quickly. The demon readied himself again.  
  
"You're going to die!" he shouted, making sure he didn't spit this time.  
  
"No," said Prue defiantely, "you first"  
  
"No, *you* first!" shot back the demon!  
  
"No, *you* first!"  
  
"No, you!"  
  
"You"  
  
"YOU"  
  
"YOU"  
  
"Gyyyahhhhhhh!" screamed Piper and blew up the nearest person. Who happened to be Phoebe after just entering the room. Shame. Anyway! So this demon was saying they were all dieing. Except now for Phoebe who was already dead. Oh - no she isn't - I can see her fingers twitching. DAMMIT! Maybe next time...  
  
Piper ran upstairs to find a spell from the Book Of Shadows while the demon waited patiently downstair, with a nice cup of tea. When she came back down, she gasped as she found Prue in a very intense moment with the demon.  
  
"Prue! Stop trying to hump the nice demon!" she yelled.  
  
"I'll scream rape!" the demon threatened as he shook Prue off. Prue crawled into the corner and cried. Ha ha Prue.  
  
"Alright I have the vanquish!" Piper then began chanting. Prue convieniently knew the words from the top of her head and sure enough, seconds later, the demon was gone with an anguished cry of:  
"But I hadn't finished my teeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaa!" Prue caught it's half empty (cynical b*tch (tell me if you got that joke)) cup and downed the rest of the tea.  
  
"It's almost like we're kissing!" she squealed. In case I hadn't already, let me describe this demon for you: UGLEEEEE! Well, I can see why Prue would fall for it, but I think it's out of her league! But back the the... 'story'.  
  
Phoebe had finally managed to pull her worthless carcasse off the floor after having been blown up. She looked like she'd just been blown up, her hair stood on end and her clothes were all black.   
  
"I HAVE just been blown up!" she claimed. HOW DARE YOU POINT OUT THE AUTHOR'S STUPIDITY? DIE! Suddenly, Phoebe was swirling around in a vortex of hatred, and worst of all NO PINK!!! "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" she cried. Aye you better be, stupid little Italian-American boot! The vortex disappeared. Prue came in.  
  
"Huh, I hadn't even noticed Prue had left!" Piper giggled. Idiot. She should not be giggling at her grand old age of 84! Prue threw her across the room - physically! You see, after Prue suddenly developed Matrix Moves and became better than her sisters at EVERYTHING (except finding and keeping a man) she seemed to never use her powers much. Except her newly developed X-Ray vision. At present, she was checking out Piper. The thing about her X-Ray vision is that her eyes glow red when she uses it, therefore (what a cool word - like 'thus') it's rather easy to tell if she's using it. Piper noticed and in her first ever moment of sheer cleverness, pulled up a metal plate and used the shiny mirror side to make Prue X-Ray herself. MWA HA HA HA!  
  
"I'm bliiiiiinnnndddd!!!" Prue screamed. Piper laughed. Prue walked into the wall.  
  
"Hey I was staring aimlessly at that!" Piper complained. "Go away Prue!"  
  
Prue left to go to her eye exam. Phoebe... what had happened to her again? Ah yes, the vortex, I remember. Well, she... um... she... went to Acopoco. If that's a real place. If not, she still went. 


	3. Tomfoolery, Malarky, Hi-Jinks and Shenan...

Alright, time to quit the tomfoolery and find a decent backbone to this story. No more malarky! I'm pulling the plug on all the endless hijinks! Stopping the shenanigans! No more hootnannys with this bunch! Okay, I know it's not a hootnanny, but still - it's a good word. So. From here on in: a ban on...  
  
Tomfoolery  
Malarky  
Hijinks  
Shenanigans  
  
Is that them all covered?  
Guess what my new favourite words are hehehe...  
  
"She likes to wear wooly pink hats and, half an inch long skirts. If you ask her, who the f*ck she is it hurts your eardrums when she chirps-"  
  
"Who are you singing about?" Phoebe briskly entered the room bringing an abrupt end to Piper's singing. "I thought we'd agreed there was no more malarky and I believe singing, especially you singing, was under that category."  
  
"Actually, I always thought singing was more of a hijinks type of thing. Especially when it's me singing, doing the songs that I do"  
  
"I know, I know, always taking the piss out of some poor soul. Last week it was the Prue Song(c), the week before it was the Kit Song* and this week it's the...?"  
  
"It's called 'Alyssa Milano Inspires Me(c)'" Piper said proudly. Phoebe looked like she was about to be sick. "Funny, huh?"   
  
"Hilarious" Phoebe left the room. Piper went back to sitting calmly down and singing.  
  
"Alyssa Milano and she prances around like an Italian-American boot-"  
  
"Quit the malarky, Piper, we have things to do!" Prue entered, also briskly (see she's more like Phoebe than she thought she was) the room.   
  
"But I wanna sing the third verse! it's the best; listen," then she began once again, to sing. "She's been in many films, most of them are sequals, who'd have her in the origional, not a lot of people..."  
  
Prue stifled a giggle.   
  
Piper raised her voice for the next part. "So she's banished to the cupboard, or top shelf for por-"  
  
"Quiet, you!" Prue commanded, "Don't finish that sentence. I don't wanna know. Phoebe! Get your candy ass through here, ho!" she finished with a yell. She did a lot of shouting these days. Probably cos no one really paid much attention to her anymore. What was I talking about (hehehe)?   
Phoebe waddled through. Don't ask, she just did okay?  
  
"What?" she said, emphasising the 'W' too much.  
  
"We need to talk" Prue said, emphasising her hatred for Phoebe not enough. "Some bozo left the water running last night, and my room got flooded, and you know how I'm scared of water-"  
  
"So that's why there's a smell... it's Prue not taking a bath!" Piper and Phoebe burst into fits of laughter. Idiots.  
  
"Shut up, ho!" Prue smashed Piper with a potted plant. Gods knows where that came from. But I'm only here to record the events okay? "Anyway," she went on, "Now my room is ruined so I gotta sleep somewhere else"  
  
"Not my room," Phoebe chirped, "you know, since I don't have one and all" Good point! I mean, have YOU ever seen Phoebe's room?  
  
"Not my room," Piper flat out told her. When Prue waited for a reason, she sighed and said   
"Phoebe sleeps in my room, remember?" I'm pretty sure that's very very true, actually. Screw Leo!   
  
"Yeah!" Phoebe agreed, "screw me instead!" Yech. Gyyyeah!  
  
  
  
  
  
Until next time, my little nootchies...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*okay, the Kit Song doesn't exsist, but both the aforementioned Prue Song(c) and the Alyssa Milano Inspires Me(c) songs actually do. In all their glory, you can hear them with guitar and bass! (and the Prue one even has a guitar solo! How sad am I?!?!) 


	4. A... Teddy? Noooo!

Wait a minute, what happened last time? I've forgotten, after ALL that tomfoolery, what the story was actually about. Oh yeah - I remember - NOTHING! Just goes to show what hijinks I get up to when I'm bored, huh? Well, I apologise to everyone reading this. Anyway - onwards with the 'story'.  
  
Phoebe flicked through the channels half-heartedly. She couldn't find any decent cartoons, and it was making her feel down. To keep herself amused, she slyly poured salt in Prue's coffee and waited for her sister to return with a smug grin on her face. Prue walked back in and resumed her seat next to Phoebe on the sofa. She picked up her coffee and raised it to her lips.  
  
"God Phoebe, will you find a channel and stick with it!" she said, half angry, half bemused, and put her coffee down before coyly grabbing the remote and starting her surf of the channels.  
  
"You're such a hypocrite, Prue" Phoebe shot back at her, then cursed under her breath that Prue had not yet tasted the salty coffee.   
  
Settling with a gardening show, much to Phoebe's despair, Prue finally placed the remote on the far side to Phoebe and picked up her coffee, about to take a sip.  
  
"Oh my god you are NOT going to believe what I've just noticed!" Piper thumped in. The tone of Piper's voice made Prue almost drop her coffee, but she regained it and placed it on the table.   
Seeing the look in Piper's eye's, she quickly turned back around and moved the cup onto a placemat. With a false grin of innocence, she once again turned back to her angry sister.   
  
"You realised you have nine fingers instead of ten?" it was obvious that Phoebe had been thinking this one up for a while, and even still it wasn't funny. Gimp.  
  
However, this remark caught Piper off guard and she glanced down at her hands. "Oh my god!" she gasped, "I DO only have nine fingers... why the hell did nobody ever tell me?!?!" And it was true enough, she held up her hands and Phoebe counted, slowly... only nine digits! Prue, of course, counted seventeen, but she's Prue, and we have to make allowances for her.  
  
"Anyways," continued Piper, "you are not gonna believe this" She paused for effect. I'm not sure what kind of effect, all she did was piss off her sisters. "Okay. In the attic there is this giant, frightening, terrible, huge-" At that moment she was interrupted by a sharp ring of the doorbell. "Darn it!" she muttered, and stormed out of the room to answer the door.  
  
"Hey!" said the man, grinning with lunacy and nodding his head rythmically. Piper's jaw dropped.  
"Bucklands Guy?!? But... but I thought you were dead!" she gasped.  
  
Bucklands Guy looked baffled. "I am?"  
  
"Yeah... you were knocked down by a red vaulkswagon," she then took on a scolding tone and added   
"Don't you ever watch Charmeded?" She slammed the door in his face, thinking to herself *buffoon*. She went back into the living room where her two sisters were still twisted in their seats, waiting expectently and patiently-  
  
"Will you hurry the hell up and tell us what's up there?" Phoebe yelled. How DARE you disregard what the author just said and go completely against what was just written! Feel the wrath! And at that moment, Phoebe was suddenly surrounded by hundreds of thousands of minature Prues singing 'Train's Lie'! "Noooooo!" screamed Phoebe, before bounding over to Piper and engulfing her sister in a bear hug, trying to drown out the horrendous yodelling of the mini Prues.  
  
"Hmm, thoses could be useful" Prue remarked, before squinting at Phoebe and prising her off Piper using her telekinetic powers. Show off.   
  
Prue grabbed her coffee and gulped down some of the steaming liquid. Phoebe watched her expectantly. Nothing.  
  
BUT BACK TO PIPER'S AMAZING SENTANCE WHICH SHE STILL HASN'T FINISHED!!!  
  
"In the attic there is this giant, frightening, terrible, huge" she repeated herself, then suddenly Prue spat out the coffee which she'd been swirling aroun her diseased mouth and started choking. Phoebe grinned broadly. Piper gazed at Prue, not voicing her question because it mainly consisted of four-letter words that rhymed with 'duck'.   
  
"Oh god!" Prue spluttered, "that was disgusting!" She glanced up at Phoebe, who was avoiding eye contact at that particular moment. "Not enough salt, dipshit! I take half a cup of salt with my coffee"  
  
Piper giggled. "Didn't you know that Phoebe? What a retard!"  
  
Phoebe tried to take the attention off her backfired prank and red face by changing the subject.   
"Piper! You were saying!"  
  
Piper looked blank for a second, then rememberd. "In the attic... there's a..." she managed to quickly utter "teddy bear!" before fainting from all the stress.  
  
All that was left were her two sister staring at each other, terrified.  
  
  
  
  
  
Wow look - something's starting to happen in the stories now!!!  
Ain't I koo???  
kt 


	5. Deception Strikes By The Idium Sisters

RIGHT THIS IS A GODDAMN REPOST OF THE CHAPTER COS NOW THE FRICKIN website has decided to take away the charmeded one's THOUGHTS!!! Anyone familiar with how I post the way people think it's between these . If THAT didn't work, it's between the two little arrow type thinks on the , and . keys. Now I have to 'devise' another way to make them think... hmmm...  
  
ALRIGHT from hence onwards, all thoughts will be contained inside... $dollar signs cos they're mental!$ Even though it looks like an 's' but that will, comically for me, confuse you MWA HA HA!  
  
Okay seem to be having a problem wit' this damm website - it's buggering up my grammer. I SWEAR - in the last chapter the paragraphing for speech was right it's the website it is it is!!!! sO I'm gunn' experiment and do blank lines between paragraphs (maybe MAYBE you'll see what I mean. maybe) and hopefully that'll work. yeah right.  
  
Here we go......  
  
***  
5.  
  
With Piper revived after fourteen attempts where she'd fainted again after being reminded of the monstrosity in the attic, Prue and Phoebe eventually realised she would stay awake if they didn't tell her what was going on. But how to get her into the attic without alerting her of the monster?  
  
"Hey let's go play in the attic!" Prue said with false cheerfulness.  
  
"I like playing..." Piper mumbled.  
  
"Well whaddya know - I like the attic!" Phoebe ponced (she really and truely did) about laughing. "So everybody's happy!"  
  
$Sure,$ thought Prue, $everybody's real happy. I'm so thrilled I get to be killed by a teddy bear the day before my forty-seventh birthday$. She grimaced, and slowly began to tackle the stairs.  
A mighty roar was heard from the attic.  
  
"W-what was that?" Piper trembled.  
  
Phoebe thought fast. "Oh... uh, that was Kit playing with her ball again"  
  
Prue smacked Phoebe over the head. And quite right too. Anyways.  
  
Tentatively, Prue... okay it was actually quite rough... let me start again.  
  
Roughly (!) Prue pushed Phoebe in front to use as a sheild and Phoebe poked her head around the door. her eyes searched to room but she couldn't see any teddy bear.  
  
"Why are we standing around like goons?" Piper asked.   
  
"Because we are goons dumbass!" Prue scolded. "But since you asked..."  
  
Prue, once again, did some rough shoving, and this time Piper stumbled heavily into the room and jumped as the door slammed shut behind her. She tried to open it but either it was locked or Prue and Phoebe were holding it shut.  
  
"Come on guys... why are you not letting me out?" she wailed, then realised that there must be some reason other than sisterly teasing that was making them trap her. If this was any other normal situation, they would've locked her in a cupboard, but here, here she had space to move around. Something was definitely wrong.  
  
Breathing quietly now, the awful silence in the attic only made her heart beat harder and the unease weigh down heavier. Slowly she stepped into the room, eyes wide, ears pricked, full sensory alert, and stalked the room warily.   
  
WHAT WAS THAT????   
  
Piper whipped round to the direction of the noise and her eyes darted the length of the room, not missing one detail: there was the old rocking chair, the chest, the dusty lamps, the 'Book' (gotta remember that capital 'B') on it's podium, a fluffy teddy bear, Phoebe's old guitar (oh yes) $Wait a minute - what was that?$ Piper's thoughts butted into her rounds of the room. What, the guitar? $No, before that$ The Book of Sh*t- I mean, Shadows? $No... what was the one after that?$ Oh - the teddy? $Yes that's it - the... oh my god!$  
  
"Oh my god!" Piper finally decided to stop having telepathetic- I mean, telepathic conversations with the author and voice her thoughts. "A teddy bear!"  
  
The teddy's cool eyes regarded her cooly with a cool stare. It was, in a word, cool. Then it pulled itself to it's feet and began it's slow, hypnotising walk towards Piper, it's first victim in over twenty years.  
  
  
  
  
  
Oh god I'm scared are you scared cos I'm scared this is scary!  
  
Did the grammer work this time??? If not I GUNN' KEEL YOU!!!!   
  
  
  
And of course evidently it didn't cos I had to replace my cool wee arrow signs with stoopod currency signs. I am sufficiently upset. 


	6. Banish'ed

It has indeedio been brought to my attention that Piper seems to have stopped her, erm, 'habit' of multiple swearing (cheers Stephanie!!! see now YOU get mentioned in MY stories... you poor, poor girl!) so suffice, she will be back and badder than ever!  
  
Also, one more note type thing, just completely randomly, this is in Shakespearian. Well, just the speech, cos I think it's funny to write in!!!!  
  
kt  
  
OH one last thing - I have NOOOO idea how to get the acutes over the 'ed's to make an 'ed' sound (like banish-ed)... you know how it's meant to be pronounced! Anyway, so imagine the apostrophy is an acute above the 'e'. Say it together now, banish'ed!!!!  
  
  
Chapatereth Sixeth  
  
"No, geteth away, foul beast! Thou art f*ckingeth banish'ed" Piper cried as the cool, cool, cool, coolio teddy advanced.  
  
"Thy heart is pure and young, so bittersweetly young" the Teddy said slowly, "mine breast swells with anticipation of tasting thy sweet liquid of life"  
  
"Geteth the f*cketh away!" Piper screamed in terror, "Thou must not falleth for the mystery that surroundeth mine age, for thou couldst count seventy-four golden apples before thou countest the age of mine body." she scraped her elbow on the corner of the Book of Shadows. "Oh glory be, 'tis thy Book of Shadows! Willest thou accept mine plea of begg'ed worship? Helpest me, oh bountious Book, I plead of thee!"  
  
But the book simply shrugged and kicked her in the teeth. Don't ask how, it just did.  
  
"F*ck it thou f*ckingest kickest me in mine f*ckingest teethest! Thou art none but an f*ckingeth little bitcheth!" she bitch'ed.  
  
The Teddy's eyebrows raised. "Why, thine face deceiveth me! 'Tis true mine heart believed thou werest bless'ed with not only beauty outside, but within thine tender shell. Thou own a problem, young wench"  
  
Piper was affronted. "Why, thou art nothing but a swine! Thou art callow, hardy and evil. Thou accuse me of a problem, when thy shouldest know within your fur that 'tis not a problem, but a habit. And dost thou knowest this; not all habits are wicked - like your fur which is the more callous of any other in the land!"  
  
"Thine cursing maketh me smile, ho" the Teddy's knitted lines that were supposedly it's mouth curled up evilly. "But thou knowest that thine art only the beginning of my reign as true master of the Charm'ed Ones. I shall drink of you, then thine sisters, then thou shalt be mine" he erupted into manic metal mania - I mean, manic laughter. Piper's eyes turned hard and her head shook slightly in in disbelief and disappointment.  
  
"Thou art the scum on mine shoe, thou art the dysentery that none go near for fear they willst catch something from the bowels of your disease. Thou art-"  
  
"Hush, my little Pipe-player. Thou hast much work ahead of thine. More haste, less chatter, thou fearest that I will slaughter thee?"  
  
"Zounds! Confound you!" Piper spat. "Confound you. A plague on your house!"  
  
"Which, technicallyest, is also thine house" the bear said cooly.  
  
"Zounds!" Piper yelled. "Thou hast outwitted me, sir, but I have to catch up yet." she ran towards the door and pulled hard on the handle. Still it held tight.  
  
"Thou must confront thine fears," the Teddy cooly spoke, "Is't not true that thine dost not even likest thine blood sistereth? That thine disregardeth thy younger wench Pixie-"  
  
"The name we callst her by is not Pixie, nor wench. 'Tis Phoebe. Methinks..." Piper pondered. She couldn't actually fully remember her youngest wench- I mean, sister's name. "Besideth, 'tis not true. I lovest mine younger wench- I mean, Phoebe, with my heart dear full. 'Tis Pruedencia that I mustn't disclose my love for, for 'tis unbeautiful and unmerry."  
  
The Teddy looked her up and down cooly. "Thine art an honest young bewitcher, arst thou not? An enchantress? Thou hast stolen'ed mine heart, young Pipe-player, and for that thou must leavest me. Begone, thou art banish'ed! Banish'ed!"  
  
"Thou canst banish me with words, but not with thine body. THOU art who is banish'ed. THOU art to begone! Out, swine, callous pig, out!" And with that, Piper bounded over to the Teddy, picked him up and threw him almightily out the window. Panting, she sat down heftily and began to gather her breath. The attic door flew open and Prue and Phoebe rushed in.  
  
"We came as soon as we could!" Prue gushed.  
  
"Piper, we didn't know!" Phoebe lied. She and Prue exchanged sly looks and small grins as they thought about holding the door shut so that Piper could face off the Teddy alone. Now it was nowhere in sight.  
  
"Banish'ed, thou art... banish'ed!" Piper uttered.  
  
"Uh, sweetie? What are you saying?" Prue queried. What a numbskull.  
  
Piper sharply looked up at her sisters. "Thou! And thou!" she screamed accusingly. "Thou hast not defended thine own flesh, thine own honour has been injured beyond repair, thou art simpletons to feel mine wrath, which one unmerry sun I will retribute your cruelty and cast you to the pits of your persons hell. Thou have defied me, and thou art vexed. A plague on both your houses! A plague on both your houses!" Piper collapsed, with one final muttering: "A plague... both... houses"  
  
Prue and Phoebe stood silent, watching. A long pause went painfully by as each sister waited in quiet contemplation.   
  
"Why the hell was she speaking Shakespearian!" Prue finally burst out.  
  
"I don't bloody well know, do I?" Phoebe yelled back, "And the idiot doesn't even realise we live in the same house? Git!"   
  
They left Piper on the floor. When the door closed, there was a heavy silence until a word escaped Piper's lips: "plague" 


	7. A Plague On Both Your Houses... What, No...

JOIN THE CLUB! ARE YOU ANTI-PAIGE AND PRO-PRUE? YOU MIGHT JUST BE THE RIGHT STUFF TO JOIN AND SAY "CHECK ME I'M IN A STOOPID CLUB FOUNDED BY SOME IDIOT WHO DOES NOTHING!" JOIN TODAY, WENCHES!  
  
  
  
Okay I seem to be a bit on a roll with this whole charmed-o-rama thing, i keep coming up with new crappy ideas (I think it's cos I can't think of any for Charmeded!!! HOWEVER I DO have 3 or 4 eps of the 2nd series all done. Applaud me. DO IT!!!!!!) but I tink this is getting offensive for being so rubbish so this could COULD COULD BUT ONLY COULD be the concluding chapter. Unless y'guys push me, you wretched little pigdogs.   
  
I have also concluded that I have a fan. You know who you are, kid. Unless you don't. CLUE: I think you wrote 1/2 the reviews for this story!!! THANK YOU!!!  
  
  
  
Chapter Sept. Likes.  
  
  
Piper finally emerges from the attic four months after the "Teddy Bear Incident". She still remembers her curse on her sisters, and is just about to get to the point where she realises that in cursing a plague on both their houses, she has in turn plagued HER house! Shhh here it comes.  
  
"Oh f*ck!"  
  
Ha ha! There we have it, dumbo Piper just realised she cursed herself! Fantastic!!!  
  
Prue and The Young Wench Pixie (aka Phoebe) were downstairs enjoying a bowl of Lucky Charmed's (ba boom boom chaaaaaa = my coolio drum roll) when they heard Piper's revelation.   
  
"Was that Piper? It's been a while!" said Phoebe, reluctantly pausing in her munching of the cereal to say something. Oh wait - she already did.  
  
"Could've been" was Prue's curt reply. She didn't really have time for Phoebe these days. Of course, when did she ever in the past anyway? Okay then...  
  
Seething, Piper stormed into the kitchen and stared at her sisters. She didn't say a word. There was a long pause while the two cereal-fanatics stared right back.  
  
"Morning!" said Phoebe eventually.   
  
"Good morn" replied Piper. Morn? What kind of idiot says... uh oh - she must still be into all that Shakespearian talking type affair! "Thou must be mine youngest wench, Pixie. And thou art? Prudencia?"  
  
Prue nodded. She couldn't be bothered with Piper's idiocy so decided to humour her rather than throwing her into the wall. This time.  
  
"When're you gonna shake that Shapkespearian problem?" Phoebe asked bluntly.  
  
Piper's head snapped back in offence. "What, ho? Thou... thou unhallow'ed wench! 'Tis not a problem - 'tis but a habit. And not e'ery habit is wicked, like thine callous face. Zounds! Confound thou! Zounds!" she yelled.  
  
Phoebe's eyebrows rose first in shock, then in confusion. "Zounds? Prue?"  
  
"Huh?" Prue looked blank for a second. "Oh! Zounds! That was like a swear word."  
  
Phoebe blinked. "Okay, Piper, you really gotta sort this swearing problem-"  
  
"Hast thou not listen'ed to but one word flowing from the river of my speech? Sweet ho with harden'ed eye, 'tis not a suchlike problem, but simply a smallst habit. And is't not trueth that not e'ery habit is wicked, like thine callous heart? Zounds! Confound you - a plague! Thou hast controlleth and consorted and winneth again and again, ay, but I shallst beat you yet, young sir, for 'tis I who beholdeth the... beholdeth the... the, um..."  
  
"Looks like you got Shakespearian tongue-tied, Pipe-player!" Phoebe laughed. Piper scowled at her.  
  
"Ah screw it! I can't be bothered anymore!" Piper screeched, much to Prue's amusement.  
  
"Shouldn't that be bother'ed?" Prue mocked.  
  
"F*ck you you little crapweasel!" Piper smacked Prue over the face with the Lucky Charmed's box.   
She noticed the cover. "Lucky Charmed's? Are these custom made?"  
  
Suddenly, the table collapsed and everything poured all over the floor. Milk slithered under the cupboards, Lucky Charmed's tumbled and mingled with the rug and Prue's left shoe, orange juice gushed over, into and under Prue's right shoe. It was not a good day to be Prue's shoes. Then the light shuddered before falling, cable still attached heading right for the wet floor.  
  
"Get out of the milk!" Prue yelled, before jumping on the counter. Phoebe levitated herself pathetically and Piper stayed where she was, because she hadn't really entered the room in the first place. The light landed on the floor, there was a buzzing sound zapping through the house and they were plunged into darkness.  
  
A moment passed, then:   
  
"Where's the daylight?" Piper's voice sounded annoyance and confusion.  
  
"It's night, dumbass" Prue replied. "It's like," there was a gap in Prue's sentance, then a small blue light glowed as Prue pressed it on her digital watch. "three AM"  
  
"You were eating cereal at three AM." Piper stated more than questioned.  
  
Their pleasant dialogue was interrupted by the young wench Pixie shouting "Oh my god - it's the curse! It's the curse!"  
  
The two older sisters waited not-so-patiently for Phoebe to expand. Piper placed a foot in the fried milk and got a small electric shock. She liked it. Prue picked up the empty box of Lucky Charmed's and aimed for Phoebe's head. From the sound of the cry of pain, she thought she might have hit Piper instead. Oh well, that was good enough!  
  
Phoebe went on. "Piper said 'a plague on both your houses' - this is SO the beginning of the plague!"   
  
What Phoebe said made sense. Piper had effectively ruined the buyer value of their f*ck-off pink mansion by making it evil.   
  
"Good one, dipshit" Prue said.  
  
The good chair collapsed.  
  
Piper eye's had finished adjusting to the limited light. She went through to the living room.   
  
"Oh my god!" she gasped.  
  
  
  
THE END. 


	8. The Disappearing Blood

One thing about me: THE END doesn't necessarily mean, the end.   
Coolio!  
Still funny tho... unless it's a failure...  
  
WELCOME TO THE O-RAMA!!!!  
  
  
^^^^^ don't ask alright, just... don't.  
  
  
Chapter... Eight: Did you really think it was over... Piper?  
  
Wait a minute while I dig up the last chapter and see what happened. All I can remember is "Get out of the milk!" THANK YOU STEPH. Geez...  
  
The Real Start of da chapter.  
  
  
The electricity popped back on.  
  
Eyes incredibly wide, Piper looked ahead into the living room, mouth agape. The floor, it was covered in...  
  
Forehead heavily creased, Piper looked fiercly at the substance on the floor, trying to determine what exactly it was (Okay maybe I should only try to tell the reader what the stuff on the floor is when I actually know it myself!). It was a deep red and smelt... almost metallic.  
  
"Oh my god it's-"   
  
"Ahhhhhh!" Phoebe's scream interrupted Piper's revelation. "Prue has my diary!"  
  
Piper sighed angrily. "You idiot! I was just about to say what was on the floor and you're moaning about your god damn journal?"  
  
Phoebe went right up to Piper and said purposefully, "Piper, I wrote about our special times that we have."  
  
Piper's eyes went wide. "Prue! Give her back that diary or I'll blow you up!"  
  
Prue reluctantly handed the diary back, well, once she'd clobbered Phoebe over the head with it.   
  
"Oh, by the way," she said with an evil grin, "what does 'last night I had the best night ever in Piper's bed' mean?" Oh no - she'd found them out!  
  
But Piper had it covered. "Well Prue, if you weren't blind then you'd see that the word 'room' was after 'bed'. We ate oreos!"  
  
"No we didn't" Phoebe squeaked but Piper pushed her over and kicked her in the shin.  
  
Prue watched Piper for a long time. *She's so beautiful,* Prue thought, *if I can't have her, I'm gonna pull an Abbey and kill her, so I can become her*. Abbey had been cool.  
  
Phoebe got up and promptly began to skip in circles singing "Let my love show you there's a brighter day" until Prue tripped her and jibbed a hairbrush into her side. Prue put her attention back on Piper.  
  
"So? What was on the floor?" she asked.  
  
"Blood!" Piper screeched.  
  
Prue stared. Then slowly shook her head, obviously feigning disappointment. She walked out of the room, followed by Phoebe. Confused, Piper turned back to the blood-stained carpet which was now... clean?  
  
"Something weird's goin' on," she said, clearly about to vow that she would do everything in her ability to find out what, "But I'm too lazy to attempt to find out." DAMMIT PIPER! We've had this conversation so many times! If I write something, I expect you to follow through!   
  
"Yeah, but if I'm a character, I have my own personality and do things the PIPER way, not dumb old KT's way" Piper yelled to the ceiling.  
  
Piper you fool! Pay for your insolence!  
  
Suddenly Piper found her clothes had changed into a mini-skirt and cropped top. She looked like... like... Phoebe!  
  
"Noooooooo!" she screamed in complete terror, and ran upstairs. That'll teach her to stand up to me, the greatest author in... my bedroom!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I enjoyed Charmed-O-Rama too much to never write it again. I apologise. And expect a return of the Shakespearean talk from our dearest Pipereth! 


	9. Return Of The Shakespearian Teddy And An...

Guys, we should so get a Charmed forum and chatroom here on ff.net. Wouldn't you all just love to speak to me for real? No? Oh... forget it then...  
  
  
  
  
  
Piper was in the kitchen licking her wounds. No, I don't know how she got them, god gamn you nosey b*tch! Anyhoo, she was humming along to some tune on la radio - something like "...and I'm tired of all the nudity, so much sex and without love," Piper sniggered when she heard this line.  
  
"La la la licking," she sang in an extremely innocent way. Then the radio clicked off. "Hey in the what now?" she spun around, confused. How did the radio turn itself off? Then her eyes fell upon the furry fiend standing beside it, smirking at her. "No... it can't be..." she tailed off.  
  
"Oh yes," the Teddy Bear said, staring coolly at the Pipermeister. ""Pipe-player! My love! Tis been but a dream swept o'er a midsummer's morn since yonder our last encounter." He leapt down to the floor and mosied over to the terrified goddess. "I trust thou hast not mourned my absence too long?"  
  
"I-" Piper's voice cracked. How could it be? She'd thrown the furry b*stard out of the window months before. "It can't be. I destroyed you!"  
  
"Ha!" the Teddy... laughed. "Thou discarded me, yes. Thou destroyed me? No. The force of thine arms may be worthy of three young steeds, but lest we forget I do have mine legs. Thus I walketh and walketh til again I am here. And now..." he took Piper's hand and placed a kiss on it, "I shall bewedeth you. I am not a heart to forget my vows. I loveth you, my littlest Pipe-player. And now thou shalt join me in the sacred speech of the shadows."  
  
"No, I, I, you can't!" Piper cried, "I won't. I will not speak that foul language! I willst not speaketh Shakespearian! Not again!"  
  
His knitted lips curled upward cruelly. "Unless mine ears deceivith me, tis already begun!"  
  
It dawned on Piper - he was right! She'd already lapsed into that all-too-familiar feeling of falling into the language of Shakespeare. That beautifying language. But if she begun speaking like this, something bad would happen. She didn't know how she knew this, but she just did (like how Prue knows everything - does she ever proove it?). So she went into denial. And attacked.  
  
"No, tis not true..." she said, "Thou... thou art mistaken. Yet, thou art lying! Fiend! Swine! Callous pig! Zounds! Confound you, zounds!" she screamed, tears runnng down her cheeks which were now as pink as Phoebe's hat.  
  
The Teddy smiled again. "I see there is not reason to quell my love for you. Thou art still the angered sorceress I loved before. Thine heart still fills with rage and thine breath breathes anger while thou'st speaketh. Though art truely the oldest and best Charm'ed one."  
  
"I am not the oldest, b*tch!" she bitch'ed (I know I said bitch'ed before, but it's kickass), "Tis Pruedencia who bears the weight of sister oldeth."  
  
The Teddy thought about this, confused. "Welleth," it said slowly, "tis clear thou dost not watcheth the show Charm'ed. For within its coils Pruedencia is deadeth."  
  
Piper's eyes went very wide. About as wide as Paige's bug-eyes are normally. "What dost thou meanst?"  
  
"Pruedencia. Is. Deadeth." The bear said simply. "In her place is placeth young Paige. Young Paige thy newest sistereth. Obviouslyeth." How come he never seemed to get tongue tied?  
  
At that moment, the newest sistereth Paigeth randomly walked in.  
  
"Hey Piper," she said nonchalantly, "nice bear."  
  
"Who the f*cketh art thou?" Piper screamed, though in her heart she already knew.  
  
Paige looked incredibly offended. "What do you mean? I'm Paige! Your sister? The one who replaced that whore Prue? Who died? Remember?" she continued talking for a while, but no one listened. Surprise surprise! 


	10. Thou Art To Beweddeth

A/M (just to be different): Anyone who can tell me what play/film Paige refers to (the Maggie Smith one) gets a... a... the next chapter dedicated to them. Wow! How can you not try?  
  
  
  
  
A look of complete hatred appeared in Piper's eyes as she watched lil Paigeriffic ramble. She could feel her blood pressure rise and her mind heat up as this pasty-faced freak spraffed (rambled) on about how Prue was dead.  
  
"No!" Piper suddenly spat. "Tis not true. Thou art clearly mistaken, ho, and thou art clearly to be banish'ed from thon's property!"  
  
"Oh here we go with the banish'ed," Paige moaned, "Phoebe told me what happened once you started saying that word last time you talked Shakespearian. It was, like, in every sentence." Then Paige looked up. "Is there such a word as 'thon'?"  
  
Piper gaped at the cheek of this wench. "Banish'ed! Get out!"  
  
The Teddy Bear smiled in wick'ed anticipation.  
  
Paige's faced contorted into anger and disbelief. She put on a posh Edinburgh accent from the 1930's. "This is a travesty!" she screamed, then shook Piper by her shoulders. "I have been dismissed, from Marseille Blane!"  
  
Piper stared.  
  
The Teddy stared.  
  
Paige stared.  
  
Then she shrugged. "What? I liked the film!"  
  
"Yeah that Maggie Smith's a real 'charmer'," Phoebe said.  
  
"Is't she not just?" Piper added.  
  
There was a pause while everyone turned to the camera and shared a knowing smile with us random reader people.  
  
"Where'd that camera come from?" Phoebe said.  
  
"Where'd YOU come from?" Paige said, wondering how Phoebe had suddenly appeared in the room. Phoebe shrugged, then saw the teddy bear staring at her coolly.  
  
"Aw man," she griped, "Didn't we vanquish you before?"  
  
It was a good twenty minutes before the Teddy finished his speil about "walketh and walketh and here I arrive" again. Everyone was asleep.  
  
Then Piper woketh up and maketh dinner...eth. Paige ate a lot. A LOT. A little while later, when everyone had finished but Paige was still eating, she didn't look so good. I mean, worse than usual!  
  
"I'm heading to the bathroom," Paige said.  
  
A while later she returned, and said in way of explanation "Just made some room for more food!"  
  
On the strange looks she got, she said "What? I only have one meal every three months. Gotta make the most of it." She began eating again.  
  
"So, my lavish little Pipe-Player," the Teddy pushed back his chair, "when is the arrang'ed day I shall bewedeth thou?" He took her hand and placed a lil fuzzy kiss on it.  
  
Piper's face contort'ed unto a look of anguish. "Never, callous fiend! Thou art scum, thou art nothing to me, nothing!"  
  
"God, give the guy a break!" Phoebe moaned. "I mean, he walked all the way back to marry you, he clearly loves you, and hey, he is kinda cute!"  
  
Leo looked absolutely raging, but being the pansy-assed idium he is, simply orbed out in the huff.  
  
Phoebe's little speech got Piper thinking. Maybe the Bear wasn't so bad. And like she said, he was oh-so-cute and cuddly. What would it matter? It might work out in the end!  
  
"Alright," she sighed, "We shall be bewedeth. Next morn. At first light."  
  
Prue smiled, and hid her jealousy. Paige finished eating and went upstairs.  
  
"Congratumalations," Phoebe said, not realising she couldn't speak good. "I'm so happy for you! Can I be a bridesmaid and wear pink?"  
  
Piper nodd'ed.  
  
A scream was heard from upstairs.  
  
"Paige," Prue said in a voice that showed no concern at all. She sounded like Leo. They all darted upstairs to find Paige on the floor, eyes streaming.  
  
"I put on on sixteenth of a pound!" Paige wailed, steepping off the scales.  
  
They retreated from Paige's side as if she was a disease. Oh ,wait. Never mind.  
  
Piper put down the Teddy and plac'ed a soft kiss on his furry forehead. "Til tomorrow, my sweet," she whispered and went to bed. It was three pm.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ooh how exciting! A wedding. See ya next time, pedal pushers! Oh, and in case I didn't tell those who care, I updated Scream 4...0 and it's itching for a reading... or somethin...  
kt 


	11. Teddy Strikes Back (But Doesn't Really)

CHARMED-O-RAMA  
  
Number 11: Do I HAVE To Give This A Title? Oh... okay. Um... Teddy Strikes Back (but doesn't really)  
  
  
  
  
"La la la cooking," Piper sang, while she stirr'ed the big meaty pot. She had no idea what on Earth she was making. "Phoebe! Come here! I'm making a potion with a little spices and 'urbs to vanquish that demon, I know exactly what it is I'm doing!" she yell'ed through to the living room.  
  
Why you insolent little... deep breaths KT, just remember, reverse psychology might work. Okay. Try again. Deep breaths and remain calm.  
  
Piper knew exactly what she was making. "I have nooo idea what this is," she said to herself. Ha ha, sucker. The main thing is that we all laugh at the Charm'ed Ones' pronunciation of the word "herbs" HERBS, NOT URBS YOU DUMBASSES ON A STICK!!!  
  
The Teddy walk'ed in. "My dearest Pipe-Player! Was't not thy coarser speak thou spake that spiked my eareth?"  
  
Piper look'ed at the bear as if she understood. "Um... nine?"  
  
Teddy smiled. "We art to bewedeth today!" he said, and jump'ed into her waiting arms.  
  
"How sweet!" Paige comment'ed.  
  
Piper slapp'ed her, for she still really didn't know quite who Paige was!  
  
Prue came in and hiss'ed at Paige. She then pour'ed a carton of milk over Paige's already milky-white complexion, and scream'ed "Getteth out of thon milketh!"  
  
Everybody leapt into the air and hover'ed there, apart from Paige who glar'ed at them all and stomp'ed away.  
  
"That was closeth," Piper said, and put on her wedding veil. Prue adjust'ed it, being careful to ensure she didn't rip out any of Piper's beautiful hair. Oh wait, I wrote that wrong - it was to make sure she DID rip out Piper's beautiful hair. Piper jump'ed away with a yelp of pain and growl'ed at Prue who was holding a clump of hair in her hand. Prue then wrapp'ed it around Phoebe's neck and began to tighten it.  
  
"Whereth did thine younger wench Phoebe enterest frometh anywayest?" Teddy frowned, for he wasn't completely used to the sheer randomness of things in the Halliwell manor. For example, how Phoebe always seem'ed to appear out of nowhere.  
  
While this rubbish was going on, Piper moved a bunch of cans on a low shelf, as if she was looking for something. Or someone. No, something. She stopp'ed short, because whatever she was looking for, it wasn't there.  
  
Straightening up, she yell'ed as loud as she could "PENANCE! Get your butt down here you miserable brat!"  
  
Everybody look'ed at her and sighed. "What's she done now?" they all ask'ed, saying the same words at the same time. How koo!  
  
At the moment, Penance walk'ed in. "What?" she ask'ed, her sixteen-year-old eyes looking frightened. "What have I done now?"  
  
"Where is my secret stash of candy that is not secret anymore since I just made it blatantly clear that it exists?" Piper cri'ed, feeling The Rage.  
  
Teddy jump'ed in with a "And how cometh mine fur taketh a dipeth in thine bathtub and duringest mine stay with the sweet sing-song of thine greener bubbleth-bath mine fur turn'ed green?"  
  
Penance conceal'ed a giggle.  
  
"And how did my clothes randomly disappear when I was in P4?" Phoebe screech'ed. Then she stopp'ed, because everyone was staring at her disapprovingly. "Never mind that last one..." she mutter'ed.  
  
"I uh," Penance began, "I just decided to do mischief for fun."  
  
Phoebe spat blood on the floor. When she saw everyone looking at her questioningly she shrugg'ed. "Miserable brat," she said, glaring at Penance. "We should lock her in a room with a horny... well, with something horny, like I always suggest. Then the raping will begin"  
  
"Break it down now," Prue randomly said, and glanc'ed at Feebee. "Did you say P4?"  
  
"Duh, P4, Piper's club, she named it after there being us four Halliwell sisters - Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Penance... woah where did Penance go?" Just as Phoebe's words might've had us guess (but you can never be too sure because she IS really dumb therefore nearly always wrong), Penance was nowhere to be seen.  
  
Piper squint'ed at her (Prue was annoyed Piper was stealing her moves so slapped her). "Penwhat?" Piper ask'ed, rubbing her stinging cheek.  
  
Phoebe shrugg'ed. "Never mind." And nobody did.  
  
Leo orb'ed in. "New power?" he ask'ed, then orb'ed out.  
  
Everybody star'ed at the empty space where he'd just been. "I thought he only did that when someone actually DID do something... you know, the whole lightbulb or question mark appearing over someone's head deal," Piper thought aloud.   
  
"Maybe he just orbs in all the time and does the same thing each time," Prue said, "hoping that one time he will do it at just the right time, so he'll look really clever when it happens."  
  
"Of course," Paige said after pulling a Phoebe and randomly appearing. "How come I didn't see it before?"  
  
"You weren't here before!" everybody yell'ed at exactly the same time, and they all slapp'ed her. Yes, even Teddy. He jump'ed up and grabb'ed her neck and slapp'ed her good...eth.  
  
Flopping to the ground Teddy pick'ed himself up and tugg'ed on Piper's jeans. "Thine great knave Prudencia while although suppos'ed thy wayest too harsh, thou mightest construct thy smaller morning mist while thy birds cry their joys."  
  
Piper star'ed.  
  
Proo star'ed.  
  
Feebee star'ed.  
  
Leo orb'ed in and star'ed.  
  
Paige star'ed.  
  
All except Teddy spoke/yell'ed. "What the f*cketh art thou talking about, officious fool?"  
  
KT appear'ed and said "Thou maketh no sense!" simply because she likes saying it. A lot.  
  
Phoebe drop-kick'ed the bear for no real reason, and Prue ti'ed him to a rocket and shot him into outer space. She then did the same to Phoebe. As she bound the ropes around Phoebe and the rocket, she was highly gross'ed out to see her sister liked it... liked it a lot.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Ho hum, and you thought this story was dead!  
A/N: Chapter dedicated to Steph, because for some reason she seems to like this story... like it a lot.  
A/N: Cheers to Olly for not knowing about me taking his "liked it... liked it a lot" line (from Charmed Does The Countryside - R/R! I'm in it! Woo me! Oh yeah the story's good too hehe)  
A/N: I'll mention "that miserable brat" Penance when I HAVE to... omg you should all go read the story she is in... you'll see why. You will also understand all the references in this chapter a little better too. But only a little better.  
  
  
Oh no! Piper didn't get bewedeth! Calamity! Travesty!  
  
And speaking of travesties...  
  
A/N: The winner of last... month... um, chapter's 'competition' of What Film Are These Quotes from was IZ the great boy for his cunning as he said "The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie" which was about as right as Phoebe is wrong ie very. Woo Iz!  
  
Until next time, my little nootchies!  
  
kt 


	12. The Milk Goes Too Far...

Chapter 12: The Milk Goes Too Far...  
  
  
  
  
"Guys, guys oh my god oh my god!" Piper squealed, rushing into the living room and jumping on to of the nearest soft thing she could find (how did you guess it was Phoebe?).  
  
"Ow, you goddamn ho!" Phoebe pushed her off, causing Piper to fall. She tried to stop herself falling, as you do, by grabbing the nearest thing to help keep herself upright. No, not Phoebe's breasts, Phoebe's woolly pink hat! "Argh my WPH!"   
  
Piper and Prue had something different to say. It was just as distressed though. "Argh your HAIR!"  
  
Instantly Phoebe's hands flew to her hair - or lack thereof. "What?" she questioned defensively, stroking her baldness protectively.  
  
"Nothing," Prue said lightly, "nothing at all." She turned to Piper and gave her one of her patented 'I think Phoebe looks really dumb but what else is new hey have you changed your hair?' looks. Whaddya mean you don't know which look I'm talking about???   
  
Piper shrugged. "Anyway, guys check this sh*t out!" Holding up a flyer, the CO's (Charmed Ones... man you guys really ought to learn your abbreviations, yes, even if I made them up) crowded round... well as good a crowd as three people can do... which is pretty good in thier case. Oh I forgot Paige was there... I always seem to forget her...  
  
Anyway. Yes. They crowded round the flyer (leaflet for us Scotlum/Englum people... honestly... the things I do for you americums - I have to change my language for you! You better be so happy you'd die for me or I'll set LIN on you...).  
  
ANYway. They crowded round the goddamn flyer, and, if we get no more interruptions, read it. But not aloud.   
  
"Wowo!" Paige said, every bone in her body aching with supreme agony. "I can't believe it! What a prize!" she then collapsed right there on the floor. Nobody noticed and/or cared.  
  
Phoebe sat down on the new couch that had just appeared which looked and felt suspiciously like Paige. Oh well. "I know. Its crazy. We gotta enter this competition, Piper... we gotta!"  
  
"Hold your donkeys," Prue said, figuring Phoebe was too crap to have a horse to hold, "we have to answer some questions first." She took the flyer in her hand and pulled a pen out of her... hair. "Eep! These are pretty difficult! Where is the statue of liberty situated? Seven letters, island. Something Island, New four letters."  
  
Everybody stared at her blankly.   
  
"Well New four letters is easy enough, it's gotta be New Jersey!" Piper beamed. Prue grinned and scribbled it down. "And the first one... well, since it's the Statue of Liberty, I think part of that is in the name of the island... say... Statue Island?"  
  
"Piper, you are a genius!"  
  
Several questions later, they had almost answered all the difficult questions. They had... 'successfully' 'answered' that: the Statue of Liberty was situated on Statue Island, New Jersey; the cartoon Powerpuff Girls was based on a real life story; a baboon was a species of Prue; and a stapler is used to hit Paige on the head with.  
  
"Okay, last question," Prue said nervously. They'd been doing so well so far. Well of course they had - they had Prue on thier team and Prue was number one. NUMBER ONE! "In which city do the Charmed Ones live?"  
  
"Well that's easy!" Paige rolled Phoebe off her. She was conscious again, clearly. "We're the Charmed Ones, we should know!"  
  
Piper looked down at her. "Who are you again?"  
  
Paige grimaced and decided to ignore Piper. "We live in the FOPM!"  
  
"The what?"  
  
"Of course," Piper said. "The FOPM... the F*ck Off Pink Mansion!"  
  
Cheerful, They all cheered cheerily as Prue wrote down the last answer, wrote thier names (Proo, Pyeper, Feebee and Payj) down and ran into the hallway, shoving it through their... what do americums call it... mailbox? Postbox? Letterbox? We'll never know. Unless one of you tell me for future good usage of americum words.  
  
She came back grinning. "That's it. Done and done," she said, dusting off her hands which weren't dusty. She seemed to do that a lot. "Now who's up for some chocolate milk?"  
  
"Milk?" Paige echoed. She was now terrified of 'the white stuff' ever since the last 'pour-milk-over-paige's-head-and-scream-get-out-of-the-milk' incident. "I think I'll pass."  
  
Prue took her arm and shimmered her into the kitchen. "Come on Paige, it'll be fun!"  
  
"Did you even notice you just shimmered?"  
  
"Nobody ever notices," Prue replied, reaching into the refigerator and grabbing a carton of milk. Piper and feebee came through giggling and holding hands. Well, feebee was holding Piper's hand and Piper was desperately trying to get away... go figure.  
  
Leo orbed in. "New power?" Then he was gone again.  
  
Piper frowned. "That's beginning to get a little old."  
  
"Honey it was old the second time he said it, let alone the fortieth or so time," Prue said, slapping Piper with the milk. Thank AP (Astral Prue... what did I say about you guys learning your abbreviations? For your stoopidity and insolence, there will be a test at the end of this... oh yes) it didn't burst, or Prue would've had to do some "Get out of the milk!" screaming. Not yet, my darlings, not yet.  
  
Penance came in. "Hi guys," she said, "I'm just doing some mischief for fun."  
  
Then she was gone again. Phoebe was the only one who'd noticed her. As usual. "I could do with some surgery," Phoebe said.  
  
Everyone ignored her. Same old.  
  
Prue made some chocolate milk, the cautiously handed it to everyone. "Anyone hungry?" she asked, opening the cupboard where about 300 boxes of the same type of cereal lay. "Eep! We're running low on our cereal!"  
  
"What? How many boxes of Lucky Charmeds do we have left?" Phoebe squealed.  
  
"Only about 300!"  
  
Paige frowned. "Lucky Charmeds? They custom made?"  
  
Everyone fixed her with a glare.  
  
"Just asking," she said sheepishly and shrugged. She went to put her milk down on the table but missed, dropping it onto the floor where the glass shattered and milk went everywhere. "Oops..."  
  
"Red alert, red alert!" Prue screamed, grabbing the other glasses of milk and throwing them to the floor for a reason known only to her, if that. Then she leaned forward and yelled as loud as she could "GET OUT OF THE MILK!"  
  
The COs jumped into the air and hovered there. But that wasn't all.  
  
The milk grouped together in a huge pool in the middle of the floor. Then slowly, it began to take shape. It grew taller and taller until...  
  
"Holy sh*t... it's a milk demon!"  
  
  
  
To be continued...  
  
  
  
  
Here is your test. If you get these right, you are a true cooldoodTM.  
  
What do these abbreviations mean?  
  
FOPM  
WPH  
AP  
SP  
CO  
APPP  
OPIP  
TK  
  
  
  
If that's not all of 'em it's enough. Good luck! If you score well, you might win a... um... nothing! 


	13. Wowo Cole Makes An Appearance!

Chapter 13: Cole is in it! Not for long though...  
  
  
  
  
"What do we do? What do we do?" Piper screamed, dancing about mid air (they were still hovering off the ground since Prue'd screamed 'get out of the milk'). The Milk Demon loomed closer, sloshing his way towards Paige.  
  
"Argh!" Paige yelled, terrified of it's milky goodness. "Get it away! I'm white enough!" Then she changed her mind. "Ah, you can never be too white," she said resignedly as the Milk Demon absorbed her. Nobody knows how, it just did.  
  
"Paige!" Piper cried in a tone of voice that indicated she only did it because she had to, "Where are you?" No answer.  
  
The Milk Demon roared and splooshed over to Piper. She tried to get away, but since she was stuck floating mid air, it was kinda hard. She ended up trying to swim away, failing miserably of course, and Prue and Phoebe's laughter only subsided when Piper also was absorbed into the demon.  
  
"Eep," Prue squealed as it turned it's calcium-toting head in her direction. "Feebee - help!"  
  
Phoebe glanced up. "Are you serious? You want me to help you, the amazing Prudence J Halliwell?" She looked very excited at the prospect.  
  
Looking over at her little sister, Prue noticed again that Phoebe was bald and remembered that she, Prue, was great. She could take this little demo-  
  
Prue got absorbed too.   
  
Phoebe grinned broadly. "Phoebe to the rescue, I guess," she announced proudly.  
  
The Charmed Ones were doomed. Doomed I tells ya!  
  
* * *  
  
Cole sits back in his lazy boy.  
  
"KT?" he asks timidly.  
  
Yes Cole?  
  
"Have I even been in this story yet?"  
  
There was a pause as I think about it. He looks so forlorn, I don't know if I can tell him the truth - I don't think he has!  
  
Um... sure you have, C!  
  
"I have?" he sits forward, excitedly. "What did I do?"  
  
Well, you, uh, um... you... well, you see... you... this is what you did. You... uh...  
  
I falter, not being able to come up with a sufficient lie (odd, isn't it?).  
  
"I haven't been in this story, have I?"  
  
I don't think so C.   
  
"So what was the point of this little character/author back and forth?"  
  
Well... it's a - dare I say it - filler scene before we go back to the milk demon thang.  
  
Cole begins to cry. But somehow, I just don't seem to care anymore.  
  
* * *  
  
"Here goes nothin'," Phoebe said as she crept up behind the demon. It splashed around the kitchen, wondering where she was. Quickly, Phoebe stuck the straw into his back and began to suck as hard as she could. "Thank AP I've had a lot of practise at this," she muttered.  
  
With a mighty roar, the Milk Demon turned and the straw clattered to the floor. It glared at her milkily, and began to advance.  
  
Phoebe tried to back away, but slipped on some excess milk and fell, landing hard on her candy ass.  
  
"Could really do with Prue screaming 'get out of the milk' right about now," she muttered as she was absorbed into the demon's milktastic... depths.  
  
After all the COs were absorbed, the Milk Demon glanced around him and realised he felt really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, ill. REALLY ill. Must've been all the bugs and germs that the COs contained which were battling against the vitimins and minerals contained in his milky milk skin.  
  
Inside the demon, Prue was struggling to pull Piper's foot out of her mouth. When Phoebe joined them, there had been even less space in there, and annoyingly, Phoebe was now using the forced proximity to cop a feel. Ha - a 'feel', what am I saying? She was a walking gropefest minus the walking!  
  
"Okay," Paige said, "this would be a really good time to scream 'get out of the milk', Prue."  
  
"What am I?" Prue spluttered, "Your personal 'get out of the milk' screamer? Goddamn Paige, you really know how to make a person feel valued."  
  
"Well so I should," Paige retorted angrily, "SInce it's how guys make me feel all the stoopid fat time!" She aimed a slap at Prue but hit Piper instead. "I'd say sorry," she said on hearing her sister's yelp, "but I'm not."  
  
Piper began to convulse quite ferosciously. "Guys?" she choked. "Guys... I'm lactose... intolerant..." Coughing violently, Piper shuddered again, her lips turning a mean shade of blue.  
  
Everybody looked blank for a long time. Piper got really pissed off.  
  
"It means I'm allergic to milk!" she cried, and kicked everyone she could. Which was everyone. Including herself. "I'll die if I don't get out of here!"  
  
A stony silence settled.  
  
"Noooo," Phoebe screamed, "Not Piper! She's the best one!"  
  
We all agreed (except Proo is the best too). Everybody stared at Prue.  
  
Prue looked back. "Well what am I supposed to do?" She glared at Paige's face, Phoebe's side and Piper's feet - basically everything she could see - it was kinda cramped inside a big monster. Paige gazed at the milky walls pointedly, then back at Prue. Prue saw the light- um, I mean, milk. "Ohhh."  
  
The Milk Demon splooshed his way around continually, and thought he heard people talking. Then, really faintly, he distinctly heard someone yell "Get out of the milk!" And then he felt them, fighting inside him. The were tearing at his skin! Oh, the pain!  
  
He couldn't take it; with a scream of calciumity (nicccce word kt!) he burst, splattering milk and Charmed Ones everywhere.  
  
In a tidal wave of milk, the COs flew all over the place, slamming into walls and landing on various sharp objects. They were covered in the white stuff, and felt considerably healthy in the strong teeth and bones department.  
  
After they'd finally stopped being swooshed around by the milk, they came to rest on the floor and lay back, panting for breath. Paige got up and sneaked away.  
  
"Wowo," Piper spluttered, breathing with some difficulty.  
  
"Are you okay Piper?" Prue cried, "How's your LI?"  
  
"My LI? Oh, Lactose Intolerance. It's great, since I don't really have it."  
  
Phoebe and Prue roared with... well, anger - what else do you roar with? Love? and pounced on Piper, beating her way back to wherever the hell she came from.  
  
In the hall, Paige found a letter sitting in the hallway. It was addressed to "Proo". She ripped it open and read what was inside. "Wowo!"  
  
Running into the kitchen where the other COs were still mopping up the milk/beating up Piper, she held it up proudly. "Guys! We won that competition we entered about an hour ago!"  
  
"The wonders of americum mail," Piper said patriotically. "Wait... we won?"  
  
"Yeah, check this bizatch out!" Paige began to read. "The competition judges were very sypmathetic that you answered all questions wrong, but from the scrawly, badly-spelled handwriting, and the way your names appear to have been spelt," Paige struggled to read the next word, "fo-en-et-ick-ally, you appear to be kids. Really stoopid kids. So we decided to let you win the grand prize. It will be delivered shortly."  
  
Everybody cheered and hugged. Presently, the doorbell rang, and they scampered over to answer it. When they opened the door, nobody was there, but on the doorstep was a small note: 'Enjoy your prize!'.  
  
"There it is..." Prue said, her voice trembling and high, her eyes filling with tears of happiness. She bent down to pick it up. "A blackberry!"  
  
Holding the tiny fruit up, Prue's tears spilled out.   
  
"I'm so proud of us!" Piper squealed, and they all hugged. A squelching sound was heard. "Uh... what was that?"  
  
They broke apart to find that the blackberry had been smooshed up in the hug and was now smeared all over their clothes.  
  
"Great."  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Steph is the Queen! THE QUEEN! Next to our beloved deity Proo of course.  
A/N: Okay. Any of you who think I am a stupid retard are... absolutely right. This si the THIRD TIME I have made a mistake like that... THIRD TIME!  
  
You won't know, but I had to replace this chapter to hide how dumb I was. But I'm telling you anyway, just so you all feel better about yourselves. Remember the bit about "How's your LI Piper?" "LI? Oh my Lactose Intolerance..." well, now you see how retarded I am.  
  
I keep mucking these up...  
  
Number One: LIN = Lumbering Idium Murdered. Not quite KT, it actually should be LIM.  
Number Two: LSH = Lierre Should Live. Wrong again bitchos! LSL.  
THIS TIME: LT = Lactose Intolerance. I think not you idiot KT. LI! LI!  
  
Olly spotted that last one as I updated, which is why I had time to replace it. Thank AP. Now review me cos you feel sorry!  
  
  
For those fools who didn't know.  
  
  
FOPM - F*ck Off Pink Mansion  
WPH - Woolly Pink Hat  
AP - Astral Prue  
SP - Scarecrow Proo  
CO - Charmed One  
APPP - if any of you didn't get this, feel oh-so-ashamed. Anti-Paige, Pro-Prue!  
OPIP - the new one! Out Phoebe, In Prue!  
TK - telekinesis... duh!  
  
Write them down and learn them folks, cos you will understand me even less if you don't get these! 


	14. A death, a wrong, and another wrong

A/N: I believe it's time for a little Charmed-O-Rama! And you know what? I can't even remember what happened last time so this story officially has about as much continuity as... oh I'd say Charmed!  
A/N: The spelling of the word being 'pron' is intentional. Oh and if this seems weird... well... sorry.  
  
  
Chapter *sigh* Fourteen: A death, a wrong, and a...nother wrong.  
  
  
  
  
Paige and Phoebe scampered down the stairs like the confounded children they were. They burst into the living room in fits of giggles for some reason. Want to know what the reason was? Well screw you buddy cos I'm not telling you! Ha!  
  
Looking up with her eyebrows raised apprehensively, Piper placed the now half empty bottle of wine on the table and indicated the three full glasses. She picked up a video. "Got a movie," she told them. "Some cheesy romance."  
  
"Oh, just my thing," Phoebe grinned and hopped over the back of the couch, settling down and grabbing the popcorn.  
  
With a half smile on her face, Paige plopped down beside Phoebe and moved away so Piper would have room to sit down too. She picked up the glass of wine and looked at it uncertainly. A little grunt escaped her lips.  
  
"Oh, god, Paige, I'm sorry," Piper said quickly, remembering Paige's past alcohol problems. "We can always... not drink." She looked at Paige's glass worriedly and hoped that Paige was only concerned that she was holding a glass of alcohol and not a glass of alcohol spiked with various drugs and lethal magic and other... lethal things and whatnot. Which of course it wasn't! Or was it...?  
  
Paige paused, looking at the red liquid in the glass. It smelled so good... what harm could one glass do? "Don't worry, Piper. I'm over all that. I'll be fine."  
  
She raised the glass to her lips and took a sip. There. She was fine! For now anyways... okay KT enough with the ominous added lines. Jebus you'd think I hated Paige or something. Oh wait, I do! *waits for complaints from Paige lubbers*  
  
The movie started and they settled down to watch it. After a few minutes, the girls were sitting staring at the screen in shock.  
  
"I swear, I swear I did not know," Piper said. "I so did not know."  
  
"You didn't know you were in the adult section?" Paige quipped. "You didn't notice you went behind that curtain thingy?"  
  
"It wasn't there!" Piper raised her voice in defense. "I swear..."  
  
A huge grin spread over Phoebe's face. "Piper got pron," she giggled and bopped Piper on the arm. "Sicko!" Then she settled down to watch the movie. Bopping Piper on the arm had lost her valuable seconds of pron! Pron, people! Are you even paying attention? Hello? Knock knock, who's there, why it's our old freaky buddy Pron! So when Freebie said "Oh just my thing," to Piper's movie choice she really meant it!  
  
Anyhoos.   
  
Paige suddenly collapsed onto the floor. Turns out Piper had accidentally poured household poison, magical poison, and several forms of poison not yet discovered by man into Paige's wine. Not forgetting the drugs, bleach, liquid metal, acid powder, abraded glass particles and also some of that washing up powder, you know, just cos it was there. And toilet cleaner too! Huh. Prue literally waltzed (alone, so it looked really funny) in and sat down where Paige had been. She kicked the lifeless bug-eyed freak. "Now you know what it feels like to be paiged," she muttered. "Killed off and replaced, man," she added, while taking a toke from her "herbal cigarette".  
  
"Are you smoking weed Prue?" Piper asked incredulously.   
  
Blanking, Prue looked up. "Uh... it's, um, it's not weed. Pure um... grass Piper. Yeah, 'grass'. It's uh, good for the ol' ticker." She pointed at her chest, which Phoebe got turned on by somehow. Who knew? "Gotta smoke the grass to... run that fast." She halted, satisfied with the random explanation and rhyme. Go Prue!  
  
Piper shrugged and accepted. "Can I try?" she asked. Prue offered her the "herbal cigarette" without qualms. Piper took a deep draw and choked on it. "This smells funny."  
  
"Just the wee- um, grass burning," Prue smiled. "And don't worry about coughing, it goes to your head faster." Her pupils were beginning to get very very small. She noticed Paige slumped on the floor and kicked the already stiffening body. "Is it dead?" she asked.   
  
Phoebe's face lit up at the prospect. "Woohp!" she cried and leapt onto Paige, and began a display of what really I'd prefer not to disclose to you poor, innocent readers. But it was a crime. Like, really a crime, as in illegal. It's illegal for sisters to... um, forget it. Especially when one's dead right? Oh I'm coughing loudly now!  
  
"Okay, okay I'm alive!" Paige spluttered. She'd been dead for a full fourteen minutes. And one simple lesbiumish, incestuous, necrophileish action brought her back to life! What a miracle! Or a curse... maybe AP was punishing the Charmed Hoes for being such, well, hoes!  
  
Well, Paige was alive, Prue was stoned and Piper was halfway there, Phoebe was involved with the pron movie and they had all forgotten to feed Kit. Just your typical average day in the Charmed-O-Rama household I guess! 


End file.
